CNN Owes Chris Cuomo
“You wear a mask for so long, you forget who you were beneath it.”
ALan Moore
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Chris Cuomo took a page out of the Gala handbook in regards to his demands of CNN. Or perhaps we learned from him, or maybe we are just so damn similar. It is very foolish to go head to head with people you don’t know. In the words of the infamous Lindsey Boylan, “the future is coming for assholes.” Boylan also concocted another one of our new favorite life phrases, “I will find ways to respond. Life is long. And so is my memory. And so are my resources.” There is much we can learn from our enemies, and Boylan turned out to be a worthy adversary. However, she did make one mistake that we asexuals would NEVER make. And that is she allegedly had an affair with one Howard Zemsky and then threatened him. Leaving a trail of evidence. Boylan’s credibility has gone down the drain.
But this isn’t about Lindsey Boylan.
Shortly after former CNN CEO Jeff Zucker fired Chris Cuomo on December 04, 2021, Cuomo announced he was suing CNN for $18 million. This would cover his salary from the rest of his 4-year contract at CNN. Cuomo also demanded an apology and to be cleared of all wrongdoing. In response, Zucker said that Cuomo would not “get one penny.” This was a big mistake on Zucker’s part. Because like Boylan, Chris’ memory is long and so are his resources. Before Zucker could take one more breath he had been forced to resign over a consensual relationship with coworker Allison Gollust.
Chris didn’t stop there. Gollust was next on the chopping block. This came as no surprise. In this day and age, it doesn’t pay to sleep your way to the top. Zucker had shown favor towards his little pet starting during his days at NBC all the way to CNN. This angered other well-qualified women who were better suited for the job. But they weren’t doing sexual favors for the boss so they were automatically excluded. Gollust and Zucker had failed to be forthright about their relationship with their superiors, which is against the rules of their employment. Now they can enjoy their retirements together in disgrace. We hope it was worth it.
We all saw CNN’s reaction to the loss of Zucker and Gollust. There has been much wailing and gnashing of teeth. Jake Tapper likened Chris Cuomo to a “terrorist,” and Alisyn Camerota compared Zucker’s departure to “the death penalty”. Don Lemon made the most predictable move ever saying his former friend shouldn’t get one penny. These sound like the rantings of drowning people.
According to the WSJ Allison Gollust may have also helped Chris allegedly collect information on Andrew Cuomo’s accusers. CNN’s biggest problem with Cuomo was that he admitted to helping his brother, which ultimately led to his wrongful termination. Since when is supporting family wrong? If Gollust did indeed help Chris with this, then Jeff Zucker was probably involved too. Yet, Zucker tossed Chris away the second things got interesting. The most hypocritical part is that CNN did not fire Don Lemon for his involvement with the Jussie Smollett case. Lemon violated journalism ethics by warning Smollett that his sources said the authorities did not believe his story.
Who’s next on the chopping block?
Zucker’s favorites no longer have job security. He put the entire future of the network in jeopardy. Scandal after scandal has erupted since Cuomo left. CNN is a network of crooks and pedophiles. We would suggest the next President of CNN start by firing the underwhelming Don Lemon, Jake Tapper, Anderson Cooper, and Erin Burnett; but we think it’s best if they just scrap the entire network. There’s nothing left in the wreckage worth salvaging.
As the Time Warner and Discovery merger grows near we begin to wonder what the future of CNN will look like. Does CNN even have a future? Will they completely rename and fire everyone? The thing is, the people left behind are loyal to Zucker. They are bound to be unruly and unreliable employees. Zucker has a long trail of destruction behind him, just look what he did to NBC. It is not surprising any of this happened. The writing was on the wall.
Hey, it’ll be ok dear anchors. There’s always YouTube. Oh wait, you’re so reliant on a team of producers we doubt you could figure out how to create a successful channel.
And, of course, Chris has increased his demand to $60 million as he realized his contract would have gone on for the next 20 years, well into his 70s. He continues to require a public apology and that they clear his name. The buttmunches keep making it worse and throwing poo at him. Good thing Chris has a fan.
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